where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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