Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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