i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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