im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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