dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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