I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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