Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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