I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
