My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
