hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
