i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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