I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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