walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
operation have a gay friend backfired
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
