I looked at my own cervix.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
