we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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