yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My dick has a subreddit
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
