That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
