She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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