I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.