you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...