I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
i know! what is this dateline?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
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Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
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The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.