if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
