He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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