I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He did a backflip because drugs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
