So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
