This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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