At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
