If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
