Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
