When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
