she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
