I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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