my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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