Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
