I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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