With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
