stop calling my apartment porn island.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
