I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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