Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
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