Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
