Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
