I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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