I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
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What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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