i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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