3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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