Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
