Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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