WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
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You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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