I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
