onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
