BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
