how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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