you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
