I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
